I’ve been trying to blog all week about what’s happening in my twilight zone of a head but haven’t been able to. A little outburst with a close-friend has put things into perspective for me. Firstly, I apologized to the friend, that’s most important, and secondly, it made me realize I need to take a deep breathe and go through it one by one what is bothering me.
1. My mom is very ill, she stays thousands of kilometers away from me in a tiny little town with poor healthcare. My mom has a blood clot in her leg and isn’t receiving good enough attention to it. She’s lonely and scared and it’s making me scared for her as well as scared of losing her. I don’t know how I’d deal with that. The memory of losing my Dad in 2001 is still so fresh in my mind, all that pain I went through. My mom wants to come back to Durban, which is wonderful as then Matthew and Joshua can see so much more of her, and me too of course. I have to help find her a place to stay, I just hope it all works out, I need her here desperately so I can be with her.
2. I’m stressed out about a certain thing that a few close friends know about. It isn’t getting easier, but I can cope with it to a certain degree, I just need to hold out a little longer.
3. The third situation is directly related to no. 2. I am petrified that once no. 2 is resolved, that I find myself in another situation exactly the same. I can’t go down that road again. I want to be happy and have the same happiness returned. I am just afraid that I land up in exactly the same situation again.
I’m sorry I am vague about no.’s 2 and 3, I have to be at the moment. I just need to get this out there as it’s weighing heavily on me. Thanks for reading. Much love as always xxx.