RIP George

RIP George

I remember seeing this movie called Joe’s Apartment, being horrified at it, yet laughing my ass off at it.It’s a comedy about this guy named Joe who moves into this dilapidated apartment block that’s infested with cockroaches that can even talk. LOL I have to hire this movie for Matthew and Joshua to watch! Luckily my kids share my warped sense of humour. Here’s a pic of the movie poster…

Joe's Apartment - The movie

Getting back to George. Who is George? I’ve never mentioned him before. There’s a reason for that! You see, George is a cockroach!

To explain further, the granny flat I live in is next to a car garage that has a roach problem. One particular roach found his way into my flat and couldn’t get back. Now normally, when I see a roach, I grab the nearest shoe and hit ten kinds of shit out of it! But for some reason one morning I saw this lone cockroach cautiously walking along. I haven’t seen a roach in my flat in quite some time so I was quite surprised. I think I’d also just had one of my happy pills because I felt rather happy and “tree huggerish”. Haha, if there is such a word/term. So I just sat, sipping my coffee, watching this roach wonder along and for some reason I didn’t want to squash his insides out with a shoe.

Yes, call me crazy. In fact many do. So for a while after that every few days I’d see this same roach come out to wander around. I know it’s the same roach because he had this funny mark on his one side. LOL! One day Matthew saw the roach and started screaming, “Mommy there’s a cockroach!!”. I calmed him down, and told him and Joshua that this is George (I made up the name on the spot) and that we mustn’t squash him, he’s just visiting. Their faces were delighted! They stood in awe watching this roach walk around feeling things with his feelers.

After that, whenever George was around, the boys would stand and watch him. Until a morning this weekend when I found poor George on his back, feet in the air, dead as a doornail. Matthew saw it and said, “Mommy! George is dead!”. Shame, LOL, I flushed ‘ol George and that was the end of him. I don’t know how he died, old age perhaps, but it was definately not “death by shoe”!

Here’s a pic of the late Mr George Roach…

Here lies George...

Now, don’t go thinking I have a dirty home… I have a lovely, snug, clean home. And I’m not going to start keeping roaches as pets either! The next roach that enters my flat will be flattened with a size 8 shoe so fast he won’t know what’s hit him! I just felt that I had to tell the world the arb story of a friendly roach named George. 🙂

Dissecting my depression

Dissecting my depression

There has to be something said for opening up your mind and heart to a stranger, letting EVERYTHING out to lie open on a table and be dissected. Especially if that stranger is studying to be a psychologist. lol 🙂

A friend introduced me to L. We had met before but this is the first time it was just L and I getting together to spend some time together. See, L is studying for her honours in psychology and me, well I’ve been very depressed lately, getting a few panic attacks and generally feeling that I needed to see a counsellor or therapist. A lot has happened in the last over 2 years of my life and I feel that I need to speak to someone.

So the first session we had together, was discussing my marriage. I’m going through a divorce, have been separated for a year. The second session also discussed my marriage, but also the relationship I had with my father. I don’t want to discuss the marriage sessions here as I feel they are too raw and personal at the moment. But I want to talk about how many of my insecurities stem from my relationship that I had with my father.

Growing up, my father remarried 3 times after he’d married my mom, who was his first wife. I was 3 when my mom and Dad divorced. The stepmom that I had the most “dealings” with was this 3rd wife who he divorced and remarried (hence the 4th marriage). Confusing I know… I can draw a picture? Anyhow, this stepmom treated my brother and I really badly. We weren’t allowed to visit my dad nearly as much as her children were allowed to visit there and even sleep over! I remember sleeping over once and that was it.

Often my stepmom and her daughters would be busy doing sewing or kitchen things and I’d stand to the side a bit out of place. I’d try get involved but get brushed off. I’d then have my dad scolding me on the way home that day that I’m not doing the proper womanly duties. And the one thing that would always crop up? That I didn’t look smart enough. As I grew older and into my late teens, early twenties… I remember getting ready for a visit to my dad and being so stressed about what to wear and how I looked. I felt constantly scrutinized in front of him and her as well as her children. It’s as though I could NEVER do anything right. I dreaded going eventually, even though I so wanted to have a proper father/daughter relationship with my dad.

In 2001 my Dad had started divorce proceedings against my stepmom and he’d met someone else who moved in with him. She was lovely and would often tell me how much he spoke of me. This still to this day floors me as I never got that impression around him that he was “proud” of me. I always felt “not good enough”, “second best”, “not thin enough or not pretty enough”.

My Dad’s heart was weak and he went in for a triple by-pass in August of 2001, recovering well. One Saturday night in November he invited us over for a braai and I made and took a lovely salad. He had returned to work and I still remember scoulding him for working so hard. That night, for the first time he kept commenting on how proud he was of me and how I’ve grown into such a lovely woman. I’ll NEVER forget this. The Monday after this braai, he died. I lay on his bed next to his lifeless body, holding his hand and sobbing my heart out and repeating “I’m sorry Dad”.

I was sorry because I wasn’t there to say goodbye to him, and I was sorry because I felt as though I’d let him down as a daughter. By pouring all of these details out to L, processing it and seeing it all laid out before me, I could see things more clearly. I could see why I’ve always had a low self-esteem, why I’m always worried about how I’m dressed, why I often don’t feel good enough. These feelings, compounded with verbal and emotional abuse as married woman, really dented my self-esteem badly. Being told as a married woman that I’d never find someone else who’d want me, how I was a bad wife etc. all added up to me feeling so depressed and feel as though I was alone.

There are other factors too, that are added to why I’ve been depressed. The main one being my failed marriage… but looking back and dissecting was so helpful. I feel as though I can deal with these issues better. I can look inside myself and KNOW why I feel the way I do… instead of wondering why and beating myself up about it.

Hopefully I get a few more sessions with L. She really is amazing, listens, asks such good questions, offers up different perspectives of looking at things. I feel as though in a way she is showing me a few life skills. She’s not “fixing” what is damaging or broken. She’s giving me a few tips on how to look at why things aren’t going well, how to deal with and accept it as it is, and how to be okay with it.

A bonus is L is also a single mom of 2 little boys that are the same age as mine! How awesome is that? L has been a single mom for longer than me and I’m truly inspired by her. A quote that will stay with me is “I am the anchor for my boys”. 🙂

Them naughty snakes

Them naughty snakes

Last night I dreamt about snakes. There were a few in the garden, I don’t know this garden, it was just a house and garden that I’ve never seen before. I managed to get one snake into a bowl and I took a scissors and cut it’s head off. *gag* I know, but the boys were there and I was scared. It was a thin skinny snake.

In another part of the dream I was on top of a tree or tall chair or something that I was sort of lying on. I felt something by my head moving around and there was this snake … like a cobra/viper/puff adder type (I’m so clueless about snakes) curling around my head, in my hair. It was long, huge and fat. I moved out of fright and the snake bit me with these two HUGE fangs. I started getting dizzy and lethargic, however I managed to grab a hold of him behind his head and I killed him somehow. He was green and brown with yellow markings on him, in a pattern. I was okay, didn’t need hospitalisation or anything, lol.

So I logged onto trust Google and found quite a bit of stuff on dream interpretation about snakes… the following are excerpts that I’ve just cut and paste:-

“If you have a snake around your body this can show some type of entrapment and real problems in a relationship. This can signify marital difficulties and divorce. Even though this may be a negative situation and cause problems the feeling of happiness will return eventually.”

“If the snake is frightening you in any way then this dream relates to trying to overcome a difficult problem or a troublesome person.”

“Often this dream occurs when you are suffering some kind of grief or separation in your life. The symbolism of the snake sense time to close the door on a period of your life and move on. “

“If the snake in your dream is an Adder then this is directly associated with a friend. This dream as an ancient interpretation that the Adder are likely to mean that you are going to encounter some deceit upon those future if the outer runs away from new then this is an indication that you are likely to be able to overcome this difficult situation. It is important to you to and your character.”

“If you kill more than one or two snakes indicates that you are in danger of likely enemies that wish to do you harm. Ensure that you are not cheated by someone you trust in the future. “

“If you kill a snake then you’re going to have a great opportunity to advance yourself in respect others around you – this is a positive dream in that your going to overcome all obstacles that stand in your way.”

A lot of this is true… however the part of a friend being deceitful isn’t nice to read. So I’m puzzling all of this when a friend, M, gives me her own interpretation of my dream:-

“The snake in the bowl is your ex. The boys were watching you cut the head off and it indicates you’ve finally make the break, for the sake of your boys.
The other snake that bits you is representing your general fear of men/relationships and stepping into the unknown.
The snakes in the garden indicate that you feel a bit scared about what is out in the world for you. Quite understandable.
But I think it’s very positive that you were managing to protect your boys from the snakes.”

I think she did pretty well don’t you? 😀

I then found this quite interesting… The Freud Snake Interpretation…

“Freud believed that the dream of snake is directly related to some aspects of of emotional passion. He believed that the dreamer needed to come to terms with his or her own personality has been a oppressed due to his or her urge of sexuality. On a more basic level this dream also has a direct relationship with the penis. If we look at ancient history the snake or serpent signifies the evil as illustrated in the Garden of Eden yet Freud thought this dream was a direct interpretation of an uncontrolled passion. The snake or serpent also suggest some type of temptation and this search for spiritual power.”

That does make me laugh… and also hits home… 😉 This I especially liked:-

“The message of this dream is that you need to recognise that negative energies have existed and it is time to clear the air and move on in your life.”

I’ve always had a fear of snakes. It’s not a phobia… I can touch a snake/boa and be near them, but I generally really dislike them. So dreaming about them doesn’t feel pleasant to me. Reading all the different interpretations I’m picking out what I think applies to my life as it stands now and I can see a lot of coincidences.

Be it true or not… be it just a stupid old dream… I’m going to take that last bold paragraph away from this. It’s positive and I can work with that. Snakes… I may not like them, I may find it difficult to deal with being around them, but if I can take that I defeated my fears in my dreams… then maybe I can defeat them in real life too. 😀