Shhhh! Guess what? I have depression! Oh my oh no!

Shhhh! Guess what? I have depression! Oh my oh no!

What is it about discussing depression that has people clamming up? Why are people afraid to admit that they have depression … or get panic attacks? Why is there this awful stigma still attached to depression? Is it because people generally don’t want to be around people who are depressed? Afraid depressed people will bring them down? I’ve seen that a lot… people only want to be around happy people, not people who are depressed.

The thing is, depressed people are happy people. They’re trying really hard to just slot into normal life and be treated as anyone else. But they’re depressed, life is that much harder for them to deal with. Depressed people are on medication for a reason… so that they can cope with the day to day dealings of life. The mere act of getting out of bed in the morning for a depressed person can be so difficult and traumatic when not on medication. And even when on medication, some days are incredibly hard to get through.

I want to talk about depression because I have depression. I’ve had depression for many years, since my early twenties. I’ve been on and off medication, in the hope that one day I’ll be off anti-depressants for good! But this past year has seen me on new anti-depressants and a higher dosage of it too. This has made me feel as though I’m taking steps back instead of forward and of course this doesn’t help with the depression. It’s an annoying catch 22 situation.

Some days I wake up and I lie in bed, just not wanting to be awake. Hating this horrible mentally crippling condition that is depression. It makes it hard to get up and go earn a living the proper way. Your depression spills over onto all relationships around you. The most simple task is so hard to do.

I know I have a lot to live for. Two most amazing little boys actually. Matthew and Joshua are THE MOST AMAZING little guys I’ve been blessed with. It’s an honour to be able to say I’m their mom. In fact Joshua just came through here now, while I’m typing this, to tell me he loves me. Isn’t that amazing?

Now… please don’t tell me that this alone should provide me with enough serotonin to cure my depression… because sadly it doesn’t. It does help, don’t get me wrong. My two little boys are my saving grace in more ways than one. But I want more for them. I want to be the parent they deserve. I want to be happy all the time and give them quality time. I don’t want to lie in bed crying or be miserable. I want to be a good example to them. I feel as though my depression is impacting negatively on their lives.

I’m not as productive at work as I should be. I could be so much more. I could do so much more at home. In my social life … I could be so much more than what I am when I’m depressed. In fact when I’m depressed I don’t actually have a social life. Knowing this makes me sad… which leads to more depression and it’s just a sick cycle going around and around. A stupid crappy cheap circus ride that I can’t get off. It just keeps spinning me around with the same old shit all the time.

I want off! I want off my anti-depressants. I want to lead a normal happy life. Okay well this is not going to happen. I need my anti-depressants. I need them to lead a normal happy life. When I’m on them and they’re good. I’m so happy with me. I like myself and can see a future for myself and the boys. On the bad days, I feel awful, lowest of the low. Thankfully the bad days aren’t as often as the good days.

See, depressed people don’t want to be seen as negative, sad, emotionally draining people. They HATE that they’re seen that way and hate it even more that they actually have days when they feel that way. It’s not a choice. It’s a chemical imbalance in the body. Life is not easy. And having to live with a condition like this makes it that much more difficult.

So, when you meet someone and they suffer from depression. Just bare in mind that they’re desperately hoping and wishing every day that their depression would vanish… and also hoping that you won’t see them in a negative light.

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6 thoughts on “Shhhh! Guess what? I have depression! Oh my oh no!

  1. Karin, I had no idea you were in so much pain. I empathise totally, having suffered from this debilitating sickness since my 20s – it’s a long time to deal with something that destroys the soul. And whatever the circumstances that trigger it, really there is no real way of determining what the cause is. That’s why I completely understand your comment about your love for your boys, deep as it is, not ‘curing’ the depression. Medication helps me, definitely. Once I started taking Paroxetine, the difference was profound. It helped me to clear my mind enough to get some perspective on my feelings about life. This really helped me to stop feeling that my existence was a curse, utterly futile and meaningless, and it helped me to stop thinking about killing myself. I’m not cured, by any means – maybe this fucking rotten illness isn’t curable – but for the last few years I’ve been a lot better, and much more open to joy, than I had been for so very long. I’ve been unable to come off the meds, despite trying many times, but I’ve decided that it’s really ok to keep using them. It’s certainly better than the alternative.

    As to why we tend not to talk about it, I think there are two reasons. First, it can take a long time to understand that you have a nameable illness called depression; so it can take a long time before you get help. The second problem is that that it makes you uncommunicative, unable to open up to other people – and possibly this is compounded in men as, generally, we seem to be less inclined to discuss emotional issues.

    But just remember all that love in your life; it will save you, I promise.

    1. Hi Jim, I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to reply. One of the problems with being depressed, is as you said, inability to communicate at times. That’s why I’ve been neglecting my blog and also my time on Twitter. I just have withdrawn. I’m so glad you understand, you’re a wonderful person. I am on Serdep 50mg at the moment. 🙂 xxx

  2. This is such an open and honest post. Thank you!! My sister suffers from depression and has for many years. I’ve watched her struggle with exactly the same issues as you. I’ve seen the anxiety in her face as she desperately tries to hide it and live a “normal” life. And as her sister, it kills me. I feel so helpless. But I know that she will not snap out of it and I can only continue to love and support her. Thanks for sharing! (hug)

    1. Hi Bronwynne, also my apologies to you for having taken so long to respond to your comment. As I said to Jim, I’ve been withdrawing and neglecting my blog and twitter, even facebook, lol. But yes, having depression is hard. You sound like an amazing sister *hugs*. xxx

  3. I read your post and I can completely relate with you. Depression is something I deal with every day and some days it’s extremely difficult to put on a ‘happy face’ and act ‘normal’. I’m not embarrassed to admit to suffering from depression but I do get tired of having to deal with it. Thank God for my kids, my friends, and my wonderful pets – without them I would be downright miserable and without any hope.

    1. *huge hugs* I so understand what you’re saying too. I also get sick of it and want it to just go away. I guess if I think about it though, there are many worse things I could suffer from healthwise, so I try to look at it as positively as I can. I am battling this morning in particular. xxx

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