I don’t know how much more love this heart can lose.

I don’t know how much more love this heart can lose.

When you fall for someone so deeply that you can actually visualize in your mind major future events involving them, it makes it extremely hard to get over them when the relationship falls apart.


You get this pain in your chest, it feels like a dull ache occupying this empty space in your heart that has suddenly appeared. Before your heart was full, now there’s this black hole. This abysmal nothingness. But it feels anything BUT nothing. It is a pain that consumes you. Makes you nauseas, anxious, extremely emotional and disconnected. You feel alone in your misery and the worst is, you feel as though you are not allowed to feel this way.


You realise you have to carry on as per normal in life. Your kids need you, your job needs to be done to the utmost satisfaction. If you break down at work, you run the risk of more problems. So you try to compartamentalise (forgive me if there is no such word, or just give me an award for inventing a new one) this one problem, your broken heart, so that you can at least function in the other areas of your life.


You can’t afford to sit surrounded by pillows, chocolate, tissues and wine on the couch watching soppy movies, or in my case, horrors, or else your kids will be so scarred that they’ll need therapy when they’re older. Watching mom break down is never a good thing for a kid to go through.


So you suck it up, put on your proverbial big girl granny ugly panties on and get on with it. You smile at all the right moments, tell everyone you’re fine and act as though shit doesn’t happen.


Inside though, your insides feel as though they’re being eaten by some parasitic flesh eating bacteria. Why is there no pill for a broken heart?


Then the worst is, wondering what your ex is up to. This additional void to deal with of not hearing from them when you wake up in the morning or go to sleep at night. Is he out partying and getting it on with other women? Does he think of you? Does he miss you? Or regret that you ever parted ways? How does he switch off feelings so easily?


I think, when it comes to women, we have a serious gender defect with regards to love. When we love, we give our all. Well I’m speaking for myself here. Then when the love disintegrates (from a side not ours) then we’re left with this immense pain and task of moving on. When for men it’s like they can just flick a switch. They have this internal mechanism that allows them to turn off the feelings.


I don’t mean to generalize. I just know from experience in my 34 years that men seem to get over this sort of thing a lot easier than women do. For myself, I really battle to turn off my feelings after I have fallen for someone.


Some friends I have swear by not getting feelings involved at all. That they’re lost faith in “true love”. I’ve been swearing blind to them though, that I will keep on searching for true love. That that man has to be out there that will respect, cherish and love me unconditionally, as I do him.


Am I fooling myself? Do I need my head read? Did I read too many fairytales as a kid? What is life for if not to find love? Someone find me that “unfeeling pill”. NOW!