And of course I said YES!

And of course I said YES!

I turned 36 years young on Saturday, 12th October 2013.

The night before some friends of mine invited my boyfriend B and our (collective) kids over for a birthday dinner. We had a great time, they had my fave there – potato curry with roti and wine of course. We were sitting around the table on the patio having wine and after dinner chat, when two of my friends blindfolded me! According to them I was getting the other part of my birthday present. Oh yippee!

Just as I was getting a bit anxious not being able to see anything, I heard Mirrors by Justin Timberlake start playing and they took the blindfold off… I saw something I’ll never forget as long as I live! There in front of me on a little wall were standing my sons Matthew and Joshua, B’s daughter KA and of course B himself… each one of them holding a printed pink, white and black sign, each with a word on it saying… “WILL YOU MARRY ME?”. B was holding the “ME” one.

Shocked! Overwhelmed! And of course YES!! Words cannot describe how I felt… Never had I dreamed that B would propose to me on my birthday… nor in such a special incredible way. I get goosebumps every time I think of it. He put the ring on my finger and I was in tears. Then the bubbly flowed.

I am so in love with you B that simple mere words could not describe what I feel for you. I’ve known for a very long time that I wanted to spend my life with you and to know that you feel the same way makes me feel as though I’m the luckiest woman alive. Thank you for being such a huge part of my boys lives and for accepting and loving us all for who we are. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you and grow with you. xxx

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Have a Unhappy Valentine’s Day! It’s on me!

Have a Unhappy Valentine’s Day! It’s on me!

Shops are armed with red and white hearts fanfare and …. STUFF (I really wanted to say SHIT) … all over! Florists, supermarkets, restaurants, pharmacies, tea-rooms and even shoe shops are cashing in on the hype of Valentine’s Day.

And on this here my blog… I’ll be the scrooge of Valentine’s Day. I absolutely LOATHE this day. I hate it SO much. 😦

As a little girl growing up I anticipated receiving cards and fluffy bears holding red hearts delivered into my post box. I used to look a few times a day in the post box on the 14th of February each and every year and there was never anything in there for me. Growing up as a teen this just carried on. Glory I never learnt did I? As a working woman I would envy the other ladies in the office who would get bouquets of flowers delivered to them at work. I would smile and ooh and aah and be so incredibly envious of them. I never let it show of course, but it hurt not to ever receive something like that.

So now, at the age of 34 (going on 24) I have decided that enough is enough. Fuck this Valentine’s shit! I will never get a bouquet delivered to my work on Valentine’s Day. Nor will I get a cute card or a fluffy bear. I won’t be taken out to dinner and given a cheesy red rose either. Why? Because this never happens to me. I have never been surprised or spoilt on Valentine’s Day before.

Just a note, before you say “every day should be the day of love, not just Valentine’s Day”… I don’t get spoilt on those days either. So just clam it!

Disclaimer: No I am not PMSing. I am just gatvol with this Valentine’s hype and being single and lonely during this period really makes me feel yucky and sad and yes, you get the picture.

Wise words from The Script

Wise words from The Script

Ever have songs that speak to you? The Script, one of my all time favourite bands, speak to my soul often. This particular song is close to my heart. It’s called “Fall For Anything” and the lyrics are:-

Don’t give yourself away
Don’t live your life that way
Of course he’s gonna say anything you want
Then leave quicker than he came
Now you’ve got yourself to blame
Don’t put yourself back in the fire again

It’s the same damn things you’re so quick to believe
You do it over and over again
And it’s the same mistakes that I’m watching you weave
You do it over and over again
So before they bring you down

You gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything

Girl that brings you down, down, down

Please don’t be so naïve, don’t wait ’til your heart bleeds
Love wasn’t built for speed, listen to me girl
He keeps fuckin’ with your head, tryna get you into bed
And in the morning you’ll just hate yourself

It’s the same damn things you’re so quick to believe
You do it over and over again
And it’s the same mistakes that I’m watching you make
You do it over and over again and over again
So before they bring you down

You gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything

Girl that brings you down, down, down

And you give until there’s nothing to give
Until there’s nothing to give,
until there’s nothing to give…

Before they break you down

You gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything

Before they bring you down, down, down
Girl they’ll bring you down, down, down

… and as Kelly Clarkson sings with Jason Aldean… “I don’t wanna just make love, I wanna make love last”. I just love that line. ❤

Memories

Memories

I remembered something this morning as I was chatting to a friend on FB. I was telling him about how last night I had both Matt and Josh in my bed with me and we were talking and singing songs. It was so lovely to snuggle up with them and talk about silly things or serious things… watch them yawn and smile with closed eyes… tell me they loved me… ask me for a hug, then drift off to sleep. Gosh they’re angelic when they sleep, like angelic dolls. I couldn’t think of anything more perfect.

Then I remembered how, as a little girl, I would snuggle up to my mom at bed time in her bed. She’d be reading a book and I’d be lying next to her day-dreaming about this and that… and my favourite thing would be to ask her to tell me about her wedding day – the day she and my dad got married. She’d sigh and tell me about it and answer my questions. I remember her not entirely enjoying the conversation, but I’d lie there all starry-eyed picturing it all in my head and wondering what my wedding day would be like.

My mom was also a single mom, for many years. My mom and dad divorced when I was around 3 years old. My older brother and I lived with my mom and my mom remarried when I was a teenager. Thinking back, I suppose it hurt my mom to talk about her wedding day, but she always gave in and let me bombard her with questions about it. I’ve never thought to ask her if it was just bad memories… or perhaps she was just tired of me asking about the same old thing all the time.

So I’m wondering if the boys will ever ask me about my wedding day. I have photos at home and they love looking at them. So I guess they probably won’t, seeing that it’s usually a little girl who dreams about her wedding day.

Me on my wedding day in 2003
If I think back, I remember being so in love on my wedding day and so incredibly excited. I also remember all the stress that came with it. Like for instance, the DJ who go lost along the way, and then when he did arrive there his equipment didn’t work. And I did spend a lot of the time feeling incredibly nauseas, only to find out on honeymoon that I was pregnant with Matthew. ❤ So all in all an eventful occasion I'd say!

I've said lately that I'd never marry again. But we truly don't know what the future holds do we?

With that said, I hope that these nights or even days of snuggling up in bed with my 2 little guys never ends… and that we'll always be comfortable enough to discuss our dreams and goals with each other, or even sing silly little songs.

Damn these deceiving eyes of mine

Damn these deceiving eyes of mine

… that keep producing this salty water that runs at random when I’m trying to keep it all together.

This isn’t an angry post. It has been edited quite a bit as it was initially a “snot-and-tears” post. I’m since feeling a heck of a lot better. 🙂

Please… for future reference to all men out there, take heed of the following:-

1. My kids and I come as a package, that’s it. No bargaining or whatever. That’s just it. You want to date me, you date all of me, and that includes my 2 little boys. KAPISH!

2. My kids are going to act up. They’re KIDS! They’re going to get rowdy, run around, get excited, get loud and animated. They’re also going to wrap their tiny little hands around your one finger to stay close to you, or sit on your lap for comfort when they’re feeling a bit anxious. That’s called love.

3. My kids are sometimes going to regurgitate their food. What goes in must come out somewhere! And if they’ve taken a mouthful of something they’re not enjoying, it’ll come out the top. Look away, let me clean it up and laugh it off. It’s NORMAL! You did it too, plenty.

4. Snot… it happens! ‘Nuff said.

5. At the end of a long day, if you’re tired and feel exhausted by these 2 little boys, relax and rest, they will too. And they’ll snuggle up to you and fall asleep, feeling so content and happy and being that much more closer to you. Don’t think that your efforts are wasted. Kids see everything and they’ll love you for giving them your time and attention.

6. My kids do take up a lot of my time when they’re with me. If you want to be with me, they’re going to be with me a lot of the time, so you have to think about whether you want to be in this wholly or not.

7. When my kids are around, my attention is going to be on them a lot of the time. Please don’t think that I’m ignoring you. I know you there and it’s eating me up inside that I can’t be snuggling up with you at that particular moment, but it’s just one of those things. My kids are little individuals who really need me at the moment, and come hell or high water I’m going to be there for them. Just remember that when they’re asleep, you’ll have me all to yourself… and then naughty Karin comes out to play. 😉

These are not rules or guidelines, this is just the reality and truth of my life. My kids ARE my life. I am an individual and I love me for who I am. Also, remember that I also have plenty extra love and attention to give and if you’re willing to go the distance to be with me, you’ll be showered with love and attention and will be allowed to let your inner kid come out to play, as often as you wish (even with me!). My kids come first, if you can accept that and live with it then just know that you’ll come a VERY close second. If not, I’m sorry, but please let me know sooner rather than later. My boys and I love easily and freely and I’d rather save them from as much hurt as I can.

I know this post might seem similiar to a friend’s dating post on her blog… I do draw a lot of inspiration from her (CJ) and she’s an amazing person. Mine is just centered more around my kids and how I’m feeling at the moment. I needed to get this out there. I’m tired of being used. No more. I draw the line here. ____________ (See? I drew the line).

A letter to an awesome super hero

A letter to an awesome super hero

Dear Batman,

My handsome, muscled Dark Knight! So many conversations, so much shared… I just shine the Batman sign to the night sky and you’re there.

Who could resist Batman? Definately not me. Swooning and drooling … that became the order of the day!

However, because you’re so far away in Gotham City, it makes things difficult for us. We discussed it at length and decided that star-crossed lovers wouldn’t work.

I need to say though that I miss your dark cape swishing through the night and the thought of those lips that would never kiss mine… and I’m sad. 😥

But I’m a strong gal and Batman has to do his Bat Things! And I have to do my … strong gal things.

I’m getting this out there so that you know exactly how I feel. However, I can’t extinguish that little flame of hope. It will be there for a long time still. Just look for it in my window.

Signed with love
Pepper Potts
(I know she’s from Iron Man, but I just love her name and her character)

Mars Attacks!

Mars Attacks!

As you know, I’m a 33 year old single mom of 2 little boys. I’ve been separated for almost a year now and my divorce is being processed.

A month ago a good male-friend of mine, C, commented to me that it must be hard for me to find a date because I’m a single mom. I swore blind that men aren’t that shallow and they don’t get put off by something like that, if they meet someone they really like then that doesn’t matter to them.

Well, I’ve been chatting to another male-friend, A, for a few weeks now. We get along really well and have great laughs. So he admitted to me on Sunday night that he would never date a single mom. His reason? Why should he have to take responsibility of “some lazy loser’s kids”. *BIG sigh* I didn’t realise that men felt this way… so I asked some more male-friends.

Male-friend, S, agrees with A, BUT male-friend J, doesn’t agree. He says it actually isn’t a big deal for him whether a woman has children or not. He did hesitate to answer though. lol! 😉 And lastly, my other male-friend, R, agreed with A, however he said that it would depend on the circumstances. R said that if he met a woman he really liked then he would love her and accept her children. He did mention that it was easier to form a relationship with younger children than with teenagers. Fair enough.

I processed this all in my circus/fairground brain last night… lying awake thinking how different this outlook is to mine. In my early 20’s I met a man who was divorced, with 2 kids. I fell in love with him and with his kids. There were difficult times, I won’t lie, but I pushed on because I loved him and if I loved him, then I’d learn to love his children too. Almost 11 years down the line, we got married, had 2 of our own children and are now getting divorced. I still love my stepchildren very much, we’re in contact often and my stepdaughter still calls me Mommy. I can’t look back at this and regret it, never ever will. And I’d do it again. I feel very blessed to have been such a big part of my stepchildren’s lives and I hope I always remain a part of their lives.

So I lay in bed last night, in the dark sweaty heat of this African summer, lol, and I felt a sting of sadness and hurt at hearing this… do all men feel this way? Does it not count that I’m a decent, fun-loving person? But because I’m a single mom I’m “no go territory”? I know I can’t generalise and think that all men surely feel the same way, but the majority of my male-friends said they do. So … what does that lead me to believe?

What if the roles were reversed? If you, a male, are divorced and have custody of your kids, but most women won’t date you because you’re a single dad. Not because you have a bad breath or you fart repeatedly on the first date or you have redneck tendencies… no, because you are a single dad.

I’d be really interested to hear more views/opinions on this. 🙂 Thanks for reading. 🙂 xxx