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My heart is very sore

My heart is very sore

I want to say so much but I don’t know where to start and then even what to say. A friend has been declared brain dead by 3 independant specialists. I can’t even describe what I’m feeling…

Hurt
Pain
Anger
Fear
Intense sadness
and more…

T is on life support and they’ll be turning it off soon as there’s nothing more they can do for him.

T is 24 years old and a talented musician and his life has been senselessly destroyed and taken away by 2 nothings in our society. I can’t call them men because they’ll never be that, they’re “nothings”.

My heart aches for T’s mother and grandmother. What is really hitting home is that I have 2 boys… and if something like this had to ever happen to them, actually I can’t even think about it.

Blue Monday

Blue Monday

Slept horribly last night. 😦 I think it’s a combination of the sweaty heat, and that today is Monday. I hate Mondays 😦 I really battle to adjust to work again. Seeing Matthew and Joshua’s little faces this morning when they woke up really stung me in the heart. They’re so gorgeous and my heart longs to stay home with them and raise them myself. I guess I’m just feeling particularly sensitive at the moment. Not only do I have to work instead of looking after them, but I can’t get them all the things they need and want.

Matthew’s classmates all have a Ben 10 backpack for school. Matthew has a plain blue backpack and it’s making me feel so sh!t that I can’t get him the Ben 10 one. He’s asked so many times and each time I have to tell him an excuse as to why I can’t get it, it kills me inside. I know it’s material objects, but it’s not like it’s a big thing kwim? It’s a backpack for goodness sakes! R100 is alot of money to us these days though, and is better used towards bread and milk.

I feel bad though, in general I feel bad today. If it weren’t for Matthew and Joshua I can’t actually think of any other reason to be around.

I just needed to get this out. The tears needed to flow.

I feel sick in my stomach

I feel sick in my stomach

My HOD does not think much of me at all for some reason. He loves to pull rank and make me feel stupid. Well, this morning I emailed in my song dedication to the DJ (let’s call him NP) on the local radio station that we love listening to here at work. So NP (the dj) phones me on my cellphone and asks me if I want to talk on radio, so I said YES! So we chat live and he allows me to dedicate the song I asked for and I dedicated it to my
colleagues O and K, as we’re always chatting about the radio station and the songs they play, it gets us through the day kwim? NP also happened to ask me where I work, so I told him.

After that I had staff members phoning me and clients even that had heard me and they were all so excited to have heard me. Anyways, that was around 11am this morning.

So about 5 minutes ago my HOD comes to me and the conversation went like this:-

HOD: So I heard you were on the radio?
Me: Yes
HOD: How did that happen?
Me: I sent in a song request and the DJ phoned me to ask me if I wanted to talk on air.
HOD: What everything did you talk about?
Me: He asked who the song was for and where do I work, so I told him I work for MPW…
HOD: Did you also tell him that you DON’T work there ANYMORE??!!

I’m really hurt. 😦 He is so mean. 😦 It’s as though he never wants us to be happy and have an enjoyable working environment.

After that he just walked off. I was really caught off guard.