I really need to blog more…

I really need to blog more…

So much has happened and is happening…. new home, new job, new life…!

I’ve lost someone incredibly dear to me and my children … and it’s been very hard. But we’ve come through and with flying colours I must say. My children are growing beautifully, doing well at school and are extremely loveable. They’re best friends, which to me says alot. 🙂

And me, I’m happy being me and I’m okay with things at the moment as they are. My hopes, dreams and desires are in sync. 🙂

Here’s to the future. 🙂

How long is long enough?

How long is long enough?

Since the 1st of May my life has had a whirlwind of change. From having my hair cut short and dyed a fiery red, to losing someone extremely close to me, to moving into my first home together, just my boys and I. It’s been a lot of heartache, much soul-searching and buckets of prayers to get us to where we are today.

I resolved to put my “love life”… or want of a “love-life” on hold and get my life on track with regards to work, where we’re living and making sure my children are feeling settled, loved and happy.

I’ve turned down numerous dates and flirts, feeling as though it’s just not the right time for us. I say “us” because it’s my children that are dealing with all this change too and not only me. And in my life, my children come first, then me. So I need to make sure we’re all okay, before I think of involving anyone else in my life.

I was wondering though… how long is long enough to wait before I go on a date again, before I feel as though I want to meet someone. I’m starting to feel a change now, as though I’m ready to start meeting people again. I want to be romanced and made to feel special. I’ve been in a bad space and have been trying to figure out why anyone would want to date me, let alone have a proper relationship with me.

Last night I spent the night with a very good friend, her hubby, her kids and my kids. Seeing how her hubby hugged her and lovingly spoke to her made me want that. Hmmm… hopefully it’s in my future.

Stepping into the world of ADD

Stepping into the world of ADD

With Joshua’s Principal recommending OT and more speech therapy… and Josh not having good upper body muscle strength I decided to go to my GP as he’s studied paediatrics on the side and is so good with my kids. I told him this is the story with school and his report, I can’t afford speech therapy and OT and Joshua is showing signs of ADHD/ADD… so what advice can he give me.

He checked Josh out and watched him, and listened to all the things I described about Joshua’s behaviour. He said that we could safely say that Joshua is attention deficit and that medication would help him as well as OT and more speech therapy. I told him that I’ll start on the natural medication for ADD and he listened to me… then said that in his experience, he doesn’t recommend the natural route, and he thinks that Joshua will benefit from Ritalin. He said that there’s been so many more studies and tests on Ritalin.

My GP then showed us pictures of the brain and the chemicals that get excreted in certain ways and how Joshua’s is probably working. That was very interesting.

So I told him that it’s holidays now and I’m not going to put him on it now. I’ll try it one weekend where I can see how he is. Then take it from there. I did tell him that I’m apprehensive, but I do want what’s best for Josh.

My GP could see how worried I was and he said well done for bringing Josh in now and trying to get help now. Since seeing Josh in this light has given me more patience with him. I understand now that he’s battling with certain things and that I have to approach things a bit differently now.. find a way that’ll work for us.

So not having money to do speech therapy and OT is a problem. There is however a remedial school, Kenmont, near where I live and I know people who’s kids go there. The classes are smaller and they have OT and speech therapy built into their day to day class routine.

I’m not sure if this is the route to go, I’m going to speak to the principal and teacher when the new term starts at school. I’m not sure what to do, just want what’s best for Josh for now and in the future.

It’s a new journey for us and one that I’ll try get as much information on as possible.

Wow it’s been quite some time…

Wow it’s been quite some time…

… since I last blogged… I remember a stage when I would sometimes blog a few times a day!

In my defense, much has happened in the past month and a half.

A very special close family member died on 1 May 2012, my mom-in-law, Margaret. Margaret and I got along well most of the time and I had and still have a very deep respect for her. Margaret helped raise my children for me since they were 4 months old and I had to return to work. She treated Matthew and Joshua better than I could ever have imagined. I owe her a great deal for all the love and attention she showered on my boys.

It was a huge shock to lose Margaret. She was a key player in so many parts of my life, as well as that of my children. The morning she died I had to figure out how to tell Matthew and Joshua that their beloved Ouma was not with us anymore. My heart was shattered. Matthew cried a lot, Joshie just a bit. He’s so young and confused. We often talk about Ouma Margaret and I’ll always keep her memory alive as she made such a huge impact in our lives. I miss you Ma, I hope you’re looking down on us and seeing how gorgeous your two boys are. You loved them with all your heart and soul.

Five days after I lost Margaret, I was told to vacate where I was staying and find someone else to look after my children when they came home from school. I cried a lot and then pulled myself together. Friends covered us with prayers and I managed to find us a beautiful little flat next to the boys’ school. Super convenient seeing as I don’t have a car. 🙂 The school also managed to find 2 spots in their aftercare for my boys. So it was set, 1 June a new life for us all.

It has been hectic emotionally and physically … all the change. They say “change is good” but at the time it seems like your world is falling apart. I’ve had to suck it up big time and pull out a new arrangement for the boys and I in so many ways but it happened. With the support of friends, family and of course, the big man himself, God. We’ve come a long way and we still have to get through some stuff, but it’s going to be okay. Now if only I had that washing machine. 🙂

Happy to the 8th birthday my Matthew!

Happy to the 8th birthday my Matthew!

A very heartfelt birthday wish to my firstborn son, Matthew, who turns 8 years old today. Well, to be precise, at 12:20pm today, he will be 8 years old officially!

For Matthew, it’s a hugely exciting occasion, celebrating his birthday. It’s fun and happy and he gets spoilt and treated as though he’s King for a Day! He has a chocolate cake with a big “8” candle on it that he blew out this morning when we sang to him. He took home-made cupcakes to school for his class and teacher. He has a play at school today (just fluke that it happens on his birthday but all the more a treat for him and Joshua). And tonight they are getting taken for a burger and chips at Spur. They LOVE Spur. 😀

For Joshua, it’s exciting too! He also got a little gift to celebrate and he walked around this morning telling everyone at school that it is his brother’s birthday. Proud little boy, my angel Joshua, who no matter how big he gets, will always be the baby one in my heart.

For me, it’s a very emotional and proud day. I reflect back to the day of Matthew’s birth. Arriving at dawn at the hospital for a scheduled c-section, bulging tummy on the morning of Friday, 23rd April 2004. The c-section itself was awful, but meeting my firstborn little baby boy for the first time was a moment no words could ever describe.

He was a big boy, 4.13kgs and 53cm long. He lay all squashed up in an incubator sleeping. I was wheeled up in my wheelchair next to him, opened up the little round window and spoke to him. These 2 beautiful little blue eyes shot open and look straight at me. He knew me!!! It was love at first sight for both of us. Haha, Matt is inseparable from me even now.

A little poem I scrapbooked with… for my Matthew and Joshua too…

“No matter who you become
I will always remember you like today
So forgive me if I struggle
To recognize the man you will become
But I’m just a mom
Trying to hold onto the memory
Of my sweet little boy”.

Apologies as I don’t know who wrote it, but it’s beautiful.

Matthew, I wish you all the happiness in the universe, for now and always. You are my heart and soul and everything in my life revolves around you and Joshua. I love you more than life itself.

Happy birthday my handsome, precious, incredible son. ❤

Two pics, of Matthew at this age and of him at age 6 months old. 🙂

Throwing good after bad

Throwing good after bad

I’m doing this. Throwing my good time, good feelings and good thoughts after people and/or things that are not good for me… all the bad ones.

I miss the good times that I spent with people who weren’t good for me. In reality, the good times were few and far between… the bad times were what dominated. But when you look back and you miss someone, you always seem to miss the good stuff. Why is that? When in a bad, abusive relationship, there isn’t all that much good stuff to miss.

I have come a long way and learnt so much. I deal so much better with bad relationships and bad people or bad situations now. It still hurts sometimes, I am after all only human.

So now, when I think about someone in my past who I miss, who was not good for me… I stop myself and rather throw my good happy thoughts after what’s good in my life. Looking at the positive, and the people who care about me and who want to be in my life, for me.

I can’t continue to let the negative suck me down, I’m rising up on the positive and letting it carry me through. My beautiful boys and I deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. We’re good people, wanting to live a good happy life.

I don’t know how much more love this heart can lose.

I don’t know how much more love this heart can lose.

When you fall for someone so deeply that you can actually visualize in your mind major future events involving them, it makes it extremely hard to get over them when the relationship falls apart.

 

You get this pain in your chest, it feels like a dull ache occupying this empty space in your heart that has suddenly appeared. Before your heart was full, now there’s this black hole. This abysmal nothingness. But it feels anything BUT nothing. It is a pain that consumes you. Makes you nauseas, anxious, extremely emotional and disconnected. You feel alone in your misery and the worst is, you feel as though you are not allowed to feel this way.

 

You realise you have to carry on as per normal in life. Your kids need you, your job needs to be done to the utmost satisfaction. If you break down at work, you run the risk of more problems. So you try to compartamentalise (forgive me if there is no such word, or just give me an award for inventing a new one) this one problem, your broken heart, so that you can at least function in the other areas of your life.

 

You can’t afford to sit surrounded by pillows, chocolate, tissues and wine on the couch watching soppy movies, or in my case, horrors, or else your kids will be so scarred that they’ll need therapy when they’re older. Watching mom break down is never a good thing for a kid to go through.

 

So you suck it up, put on your proverbial big girl granny ugly panties on and get on with it. You smile at all the right moments, tell everyone you’re fine and act as though shit doesn’t happen.

 

Inside though, your insides feel as though they’re being eaten by some parasitic flesh eating bacteria. Why is there no pill for a broken heart?

 

Then the worst is, wondering what your ex is up to. This additional void to deal with of not hearing from them when you wake up in the morning or go to sleep at night. Is he out partying and getting it on with other women? Does he think of you? Does he miss you? Or regret that you ever parted ways? How does he switch off feelings so easily?

 

I think, when it comes to women, we have a serious gender defect with regards to love. When we love, we give our all. Well I’m speaking for myself here. Then when the love disintegrates (from a side not ours) then we’re left with this immense pain and task of moving on. When for men it’s like they can just flick a switch. They have this internal mechanism that allows them to turn off the feelings.

 

I don’t mean to generalize. I just know from experience in my 34 years that men seem to get over this sort of thing a lot easier than women do. For myself, I really battle to turn off my feelings after I have fallen for someone.

 

Some friends I have swear by not getting feelings involved at all. That they’re lost faith in “true love”. I’ve been swearing blind to them though, that I will keep on searching for true love. That that man has to be out there that will respect, cherish and love me unconditionally, as I do him.

 

Am I fooling myself? Do I need my head read? Did I read too many fairytales as a kid? What is life for if not to find love? Someone find me that “unfeeling pill”. NOW!