Breathe!

Breathe Karin! I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head, it’s quite something. ADHD in the brain and not physically. Physically I am totally the opposite. Pity as if I was way more energetic I’d get around to doing more housework and lose some weight in the process. If only hey?

Which brings me to this quote I just stumbled across…

“If you’re not brave enough to take the first step, then you’ll never know how far you can go.”

I want to take the first step, to learning a skill that I can utilise on my own to work online from home.

I had a recent scare with a suspected stroke. My health has taken a serious dive this year. And I miss spending time with my kids. I want to be around them more since the stroke scare, which also resulted in severe anxiety. I’m working through the anxiety well, which I am proud of myself for. Okay I am relying on mild medication to help me through, but I have to work on it as a whole in my personal capacity. There is a light at the end of the dark tunnel.

My next step is to set myself up online from home, assisting people… or businesses with a skill I have. I really want this, so badly. #TrustInGod

And of course I said YES!

I turned 36 years young on Saturday, 12th October 2013.

The night before some friends of mine invited my boyfriend B and our (collective) kids over for a birthday dinner. We had a great time, they had my fave there – potato curry with roti and wine of course. We were sitting around the table on the patio having wine and after dinner chat, when two of my friends blindfolded me! According to them I was getting the other part of my birthday present. Oh yippee!

Just as I was getting a bit anxious not being able to see anything, I heard Mirrors by Justin Timberlake start playing and they took the blindfold off… I saw something I’ll never forget as long as I live! There in front of me on a little wall were standing my sons Matthew and Joshua, B’s daughter KA and of course B himself… each one of them holding a printed pink, white and black sign, each with a word on it saying… “WILL YOU MARRY ME?”. B was holding the “ME” one.

Shocked! Overwhelmed! And of course YES!! Words cannot describe how I felt… Never had I dreamed that B would propose to me on my birthday… nor in such a special incredible way. I get goosebumps every time I think of it. He put the ring on my finger and I was in tears. Then the bubbly flowed.

I am so in love with you B that simple mere words could not describe what I feel for you. I’ve known for a very long time that I wanted to spend my life with you and to know that you feel the same way makes me feel as though I’m the luckiest woman alive. Thank you for being such a huge part of my boys lives and for accepting and loving us all for who we are. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you and grow with you. xxx

I really need to blog more…

So much has happened and is happening…. new home, new job, new life…!

I’ve lost someone incredibly dear to me and my children … and it’s been very hard. But we’ve come through and with flying colours I must say. My children are growing beautifully, doing well at school and are extremely loveable. They’re best friends, which to me says alot. 🙂

And me, I’m happy being me and I’m okay with things at the moment as they are. My hopes, dreams and desires are in sync. 🙂

Here’s to the future. 🙂

How long is long enough?

Since the 1st of May my life has had a whirlwind of change. From having my hair cut short and dyed a fiery red, to losing someone extremely close to me, to moving into my first home together, just my boys and I. It’s been a lot of heartache, much soul-searching and buckets of prayers to get us to where we are today.

I resolved to put my “love life”… or want of a “love-life” on hold and get my life on track with regards to work, where we’re living and making sure my children are feeling settled, loved and happy.

I’ve turned down numerous dates and flirts, feeling as though it’s just not the right time for us. I say “us” because it’s my children that are dealing with all this change too and not only me. And in my life, my children come first, then me. So I need to make sure we’re all okay, before I think of involving anyone else in my life.

I was wondering though… how long is long enough to wait before I go on a date again, before I feel as though I want to meet someone. I’m starting to feel a change now, as though I’m ready to start meeting people again. I want to be romanced and made to feel special. I’ve been in a bad space and have been trying to figure out why anyone would want to date me, let alone have a proper relationship with me.

Last night I spent the night with a very good friend, her hubby, her kids and my kids. Seeing how her hubby hugged her and lovingly spoke to her made me want that. Hmmm… hopefully it’s in my future.

Wow it’s been quite some time…

… since I last blogged… I remember a stage when I would sometimes blog a few times a day!

In my defense, much has happened in the past month and a half.

A very special close family member died on 1 May 2012, my mom-in-law, Margaret. Margaret and I got along well most of the time and I had and still have a very deep respect for her. Margaret helped raise my children for me since they were 4 months old and I had to return to work. She treated Matthew and Joshua better than I could ever have imagined. I owe her a great deal for all the love and attention she showered on my boys.

It was a huge shock to lose Margaret. She was a key player in so many parts of my life, as well as that of my children. The morning she died I had to figure out how to tell Matthew and Joshua that their beloved Ouma was not with us anymore. My heart was shattered. Matthew cried a lot, Joshie just a bit. He’s so young and confused. We often talk about Ouma Margaret and I’ll always keep her memory alive as she made such a huge impact in our lives. I miss you Ma, I hope you’re looking down on us and seeing how gorgeous your two boys are. You loved them with all your heart and soul.

Five days after I lost Margaret, I was told to vacate where I was staying and find someone else to look after my children when they came home from school. I cried a lot and then pulled myself together. Friends covered us with prayers and I managed to find us a beautiful little flat next to the boys’ school. Super convenient seeing as I don’t have a car. 🙂 The school also managed to find 2 spots in their aftercare for my boys. So it was set, 1 June a new life for us all.

It has been hectic emotionally and physically … all the change. They say “change is good” but at the time it seems like your world is falling apart. I’ve had to suck it up big time and pull out a new arrangement for the boys and I in so many ways but it happened. With the support of friends, family and of course, the big man himself, God. We’ve come a long way and we still have to get through some stuff, but it’s going to be okay. Now if only I had that washing machine. 🙂

Throwing good after bad

I’m doing this. Throwing my good time, good feelings and good thoughts after people and/or things that are not good for me… all the bad ones.

I miss the good times that I spent with people who weren’t good for me. In reality, the good times were few and far between… the bad times were what dominated. But when you look back and you miss someone, you always seem to miss the good stuff. Why is that? When in a bad, abusive relationship, there isn’t all that much good stuff to miss.

I have come a long way and learnt so much. I deal so much better with bad relationships and bad people or bad situations now. It still hurts sometimes, I am after all only human.

So now, when I think about someone in my past who I miss, who was not good for me… I stop myself and rather throw my good happy thoughts after what’s good in my life. Looking at the positive, and the people who care about me and who want to be in my life, for me.

I can’t continue to let the negative suck me down, I’m rising up on the positive and letting it carry me through. My beautiful boys and I deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. We’re good people, wanting to live a good happy life.

I don’t know how much more love this heart can lose.

When you fall for someone so deeply that you can actually visualize in your mind major future events involving them, it makes it extremely hard to get over them when the relationship falls apart.

 

You get this pain in your chest, it feels like a dull ache occupying this empty space in your heart that has suddenly appeared. Before your heart was full, now there’s this black hole. This abysmal nothingness. But it feels anything BUT nothing. It is a pain that consumes you. Makes you nauseas, anxious, extremely emotional and disconnected. You feel alone in your misery and the worst is, you feel as though you are not allowed to feel this way.

 

You realise you have to carry on as per normal in life. Your kids need you, your job needs to be done to the utmost satisfaction. If you break down at work, you run the risk of more problems. So you try to compartamentalise (forgive me if there is no such word, or just give me an award for inventing a new one) this one problem, your broken heart, so that you can at least function in the other areas of your life.

 

You can’t afford to sit surrounded by pillows, chocolate, tissues and wine on the couch watching soppy movies, or in my case, horrors, or else your kids will be so scarred that they’ll need therapy when they’re older. Watching mom break down is never a good thing for a kid to go through.

 

So you suck it up, put on your proverbial big girl granny ugly panties on and get on with it. You smile at all the right moments, tell everyone you’re fine and act as though shit doesn’t happen.

 

Inside though, your insides feel as though they’re being eaten by some parasitic flesh eating bacteria. Why is there no pill for a broken heart?

 

Then the worst is, wondering what your ex is up to. This additional void to deal with of not hearing from them when you wake up in the morning or go to sleep at night. Is he out partying and getting it on with other women? Does he think of you? Does he miss you? Or regret that you ever parted ways? How does he switch off feelings so easily?

 

I think, when it comes to women, we have a serious gender defect with regards to love. When we love, we give our all. Well I’m speaking for myself here. Then when the love disintegrates (from a side not ours) then we’re left with this immense pain and task of moving on. When for men it’s like they can just flick a switch. They have this internal mechanism that allows them to turn off the feelings.

 

I don’t mean to generalize. I just know from experience in my 34 years that men seem to get over this sort of thing a lot easier than women do. For myself, I really battle to turn off my feelings after I have fallen for someone.

 

Some friends I have swear by not getting feelings involved at all. That they’re lost faith in “true love”. I’ve been swearing blind to them though, that I will keep on searching for true love. That that man has to be out there that will respect, cherish and love me unconditionally, as I do him.

 

Am I fooling myself? Do I need my head read? Did I read too many fairytales as a kid? What is life for if not to find love? Someone find me that “unfeeling pill”. NOW!

Shhhh! Guess what? I have depression! Oh my oh no!

What is it about discussing depression that has people clamming up? Why are people afraid to admit that they have depression … or get panic attacks? Why is there this awful stigma still attached to depression? Is it because people generally don’t want to be around people who are depressed? Afraid depressed people will bring them down? I’ve seen that a lot… people only want to be around happy people, not people who are depressed.

The thing is, depressed people are happy people. They’re trying really hard to just slot into normal life and be treated as anyone else. But they’re depressed, life is that much harder for them to deal with. Depressed people are on medication for a reason… so that they can cope with the day to day dealings of life. The mere act of getting out of bed in the morning for a depressed person can be so difficult and traumatic when not on medication. And even when on medication, some days are incredibly hard to get through.

I want to talk about depression because I have depression. I’ve had depression for many years, since my early twenties. I’ve been on and off medication, in the hope that one day I’ll be off anti-depressants for good! But this past year has seen me on new anti-depressants and a higher dosage of it too. This has made me feel as though I’m taking steps back instead of forward and of course this doesn’t help with the depression. It’s an annoying catch 22 situation.

Some days I wake up and I lie in bed, just not wanting to be awake. Hating this horrible mentally crippling condition that is depression. It makes it hard to get up and go earn a living the proper way. Your depression spills over onto all relationships around you. The most simple task is so hard to do.

I know I have a lot to live for. Two most amazing little boys actually. Matthew and Joshua are THE MOST AMAZING little guys I’ve been blessed with. It’s an honour to be able to say I’m their mom. In fact Joshua just came through here now, while I’m typing this, to tell me he loves me. Isn’t that amazing?

Now… please don’t tell me that this alone should provide me with enough serotonin to cure my depression… because sadly it doesn’t. It does help, don’t get me wrong. My two little boys are my saving grace in more ways than one. But I want more for them. I want to be the parent they deserve. I want to be happy all the time and give them quality time. I don’t want to lie in bed crying or be miserable. I want to be a good example to them. I feel as though my depression is impacting negatively on their lives.

I’m not as productive at work as I should be. I could be so much more. I could do so much more at home. In my social life … I could be so much more than what I am when I’m depressed. In fact when I’m depressed I don’t actually have a social life. Knowing this makes me sad… which leads to more depression and it’s just a sick cycle going around and around. A stupid crappy cheap circus ride that I can’t get off. It just keeps spinning me around with the same old shit all the time.

I want off! I want off my anti-depressants. I want to lead a normal happy life. Okay well this is not going to happen. I need my anti-depressants. I need them to lead a normal happy life. When I’m on them and they’re good. I’m so happy with me. I like myself and can see a future for myself and the boys. On the bad days, I feel awful, lowest of the low. Thankfully the bad days aren’t as often as the good days.

See, depressed people don’t want to be seen as negative, sad, emotionally draining people. They HATE that they’re seen that way and hate it even more that they actually have days when they feel that way. It’s not a choice. It’s a chemical imbalance in the body. Life is not easy. And having to live with a condition like this makes it that much more difficult.

So, when you meet someone and they suffer from depression. Just bare in mind that they’re desperately hoping and wishing every day that their depression would vanish… and also hoping that you won’t see them in a negative light.

Mars Attacks!

As you know, I’m a 33 year old single mom of 2 little boys. I’ve been separated for almost a year now and my divorce is being processed.

A month ago a good male-friend of mine, C, commented to me that it must be hard for me to find a date because I’m a single mom. I swore blind that men aren’t that shallow and they don’t get put off by something like that, if they meet someone they really like then that doesn’t matter to them.

Well, I’ve been chatting to another male-friend, A, for a few weeks now. We get along really well and have great laughs. So he admitted to me on Sunday night that he would never date a single mom. His reason? Why should he have to take responsibility of “some lazy loser’s kids”. *BIG sigh* I didn’t realise that men felt this way… so I asked some more male-friends.

Male-friend, S, agrees with A, BUT male-friend J, doesn’t agree. He says it actually isn’t a big deal for him whether a woman has children or not. He did hesitate to answer though. lol! 😉 And lastly, my other male-friend, R, agreed with A, however he said that it would depend on the circumstances. R said that if he met a woman he really liked then he would love her and accept her children. He did mention that it was easier to form a relationship with younger children than with teenagers. Fair enough.

I processed this all in my circus/fairground brain last night… lying awake thinking how different this outlook is to mine. In my early 20’s I met a man who was divorced, with 2 kids. I fell in love with him and with his kids. There were difficult times, I won’t lie, but I pushed on because I loved him and if I loved him, then I’d learn to love his children too. Almost 11 years down the line, we got married, had 2 of our own children and are now getting divorced. I still love my stepchildren very much, we’re in contact often and my stepdaughter still calls me Mommy. I can’t look back at this and regret it, never ever will. And I’d do it again. I feel very blessed to have been such a big part of my stepchildren’s lives and I hope I always remain a part of their lives.

So I lay in bed last night, in the dark sweaty heat of this African summer, lol, and I felt a sting of sadness and hurt at hearing this… do all men feel this way? Does it not count that I’m a decent, fun-loving person? But because I’m a single mom I’m “no go territory”? I know I can’t generalise and think that all men surely feel the same way, but the majority of my male-friends said they do. So … what does that lead me to believe?

What if the roles were reversed? If you, a male, are divorced and have custody of your kids, but most women won’t date you because you’re a single dad. Not because you have a bad breath or you fart repeatedly on the first date or you have redneck tendencies… no, because you are a single dad.

I’d be really interested to hear more views/opinions on this. 🙂 Thanks for reading. 🙂 xxx

A glowing heart… sometimes heavy

We all have issues and people my age and older have a past. We can’t get away from it, it happened. We accept it as best we can and move on, look forward to the future with hope and possibility in our hearts. Well, I do in any case. Sometimes though, I feel that because I’ve had quite a hectic past that I get judged on this … as if people like who I am, but don’t want to have to deal with my “baggage”.

I don’t carry my “baggage” on my back for all to see. I’ve dealt with it and it’s filed away. I am honest though and am not scared to share my life experiences. And I certainly don’t expect anyone else to deal with it. My issues and problems are mine. Be there for me to share with and just talk, but I’d never expect my friends to have to carry my past for me.

I do feel very blessed that I have good friends and a supportive family who have helped me through a lot. Many times I was man-down emotionally and I’ve come through this really well I believe. Which is why I say, we all have a past and a heavy heart to carry at times, but it doesn’t mean that the heavy part of our heart has clouded over the majority of the glowing part of our heart. The glow will prevail! Just give it a chance. 😉

And believe. I believe and I give everyone I meet and know a fair chance. Even if they’ve had chances before. I forgive, even though I don’t forget, because I have a soft heart. Soft and squishy like marshmallow, and just as much fun! ❤