How long is long enough?

Since the 1st of May my life has had a whirlwind of change. From having my hair cut short and dyed a fiery red, to losing someone extremely close to me, to moving into my first home together, just my boys and I. It’s been a lot of heartache, much soul-searching and buckets of prayers to get us to where we are today.

I resolved to put my “love life”… or want of a “love-life” on hold and get my life on track with regards to work, where we’re living and making sure my children are feeling settled, loved and happy.

I’ve turned down numerous dates and flirts, feeling as though it’s just not the right time for us. I say “us” because it’s my children that are dealing with all this change too and not only me. And in my life, my children come first, then me. So I need to make sure we’re all okay, before I think of involving anyone else in my life.

I was wondering though… how long is long enough to wait before I go on a date again, before I feel as though I want to meet someone. I’m starting to feel a change now, as though I’m ready to start meeting people again. I want to be romanced and made to feel special. I’ve been in a bad space and have been trying to figure out why anyone would want to date me, let alone have a proper relationship with me.

Last night I spent the night with a very good friend, her hubby, her kids and my kids. Seeing how her hubby hugged her and lovingly spoke to her made me want that. Hmmm… hopefully it’s in my future.

A couple of Fuck-It’s and a bunch of Yeehaa’s!!

Yeah so… I ain’t perfect. Wow, imagine that?! So fuck it then… all my imperfections can go straight to my Fuck-It List.

Imperfections and Fuck-It’s listed as follows, randomly and in no particular order of importance:-

I am overweight – I constantly try dieting. I love food. I’ve always been bigger than other girls. Gah.
I am an almost divorcee – as of 17 November 2011 I shall be a divorced single mom of 2.
I am not rich – in fact I just make it by most months.
I don’t have my driver’s license – Something I’ll always wish to have.
I catch the bus to and from work – It’s actually not bad.
I live in a granny flat and don’t have much privacy – refer to the “am not rich part”.
I don’t have much in material forms – I’d love me a flat screen, a lounge suite and a new double bed.
I have sleep apnea – I am supposed to sleep with a CPAP machine and mask however it’s broken.
I am not on a medical aid – Refer to “am not rich” and “broken CPAP machine”.
I have depression – I take Serdep for it, hopefully not forever. I’m working on this.
My ankles become cankles in the summer as they swell so much. Argh I hate this.
Emotionally I’m slightly damaged – long story. But it’s finished and gone and I’m working on this too.

My Yeehaa List:-

I have 2 absolutely beautiful and perfect sons.
I have a job and am a PA, something I enjoy doing.
I have a roof over my head, clothes on my body and food in my cupboard.
My sons love me to bits and I’m very honoured to be their mom.
I have 2 loving protective brothers.
I have a caring mom I can talk to about anything at any time, even though she lives far away.
I have friends who give me hugs and lend an ear.
I have a few little luxuries that I’ve been fortunate enough to win or been given as gifts.
I live near the beach, which is a natural therapy.
I have my health, for the most part, and am able to play with my children.
Emotionally I’m fighting for my confidence and self-esteem, I’m determined to grow stronger with each passing day. I WILL stand up and be counted!

Okay, that’s that for now. Move along now folks, nothing else to see… 😉

A Wish And A Dream

The approach of your own birthday means so many different things to each individual. Children are excited and bright-eyed, they can’t wait! Teenagers are excited for the partying. Well in my 20’s I was excited for the partying too, that didn’t stop. In my 30’s I’ve never looked forward to it anymore.

I have always this idea that birthdays should be special. The birthday person should be spoilt and made to feel special. I’m not talking huge expensive material gifts. I mean, breakfast in bed, a dinner that your other half made for you. Or being taken out for dinner. Maybe some flowers (even if stolen from the neighbours verge). I’m always aware of this idea and I go out of my way to make sure that my sons always feel special on their birthday.

For the past good few years, my birthday has been this big anti-climax. I get excited… for that special birthday feeling you get inside… then I realise that it’s not that big a deal to anyone else. And wow… what a lonely horrible feeling.

Two years back, for my birthday, I baked a cake with my sons. We iced it (blue) and put sprinkles on (dinosaurs) and we enjoyed it. I would have preferred a cake more to my specifics décor wise, but the boys were so excited and I wanted them to enjoy themselves. I’ll always remember memories like that.

My birthday wish for this year, Wednesday 12 October 2011, is to have someone special take me to the beach just before sunset … bring a blanket to sit on… a bottle (or 2) of good wine… and something nice to snack on. If it gets chilly, move on to a nice coffee shop and have a big mug of something warm to drink. I long to feel loved, appreciated and respected. Though hope is frail… it’s hard to kill.

Walk this road with me

I look ahead and I see this pitch dark road ahead. Just a few glowing lights here and there. I need to get to the end safely and I need to stop crying. There’s nothing wonderful and fantastic at the end, just chaos and conflict and heartache. Things that have become entrenched as part of my life. I never asked for this.

Why am I crying? Because I’m scared and alone and how did my life come to such a hopeless mess? I feel as if I’m thrown into this mess and left there trying to make something of nothing. A bit of help wouldn’t hurt. 😦

So I think, I need support… who is there for me to stand by my side and give me some strength to do this? Let me get hold of a few friends… dang… all busy with their lives.

Will someone please walk next to me… just be here for me…. I’m so scared of lonely.

Dissecting my depression

There has to be something said for opening up your mind and heart to a stranger, letting EVERYTHING out to lie open on a table and be dissected. Especially if that stranger is studying to be a psychologist. lol 🙂

A friend introduced me to L. We had met before but this is the first time it was just L and I getting together to spend some time together. See, L is studying for her honours in psychology and me, well I’ve been very depressed lately, getting a few panic attacks and generally feeling that I needed to see a counsellor or therapist. A lot has happened in the last over 2 years of my life and I feel that I need to speak to someone.

So the first session we had together, was discussing my marriage. I’m going through a divorce, have been separated for a year. The second session also discussed my marriage, but also the relationship I had with my father. I don’t want to discuss the marriage sessions here as I feel they are too raw and personal at the moment. But I want to talk about how many of my insecurities stem from my relationship that I had with my father.

Growing up, my father remarried 3 times after he’d married my mom, who was his first wife. I was 3 when my mom and Dad divorced. The stepmom that I had the most “dealings” with was this 3rd wife who he divorced and remarried (hence the 4th marriage). Confusing I know… I can draw a picture? Anyhow, this stepmom treated my brother and I really badly. We weren’t allowed to visit my dad nearly as much as her children were allowed to visit there and even sleep over! I remember sleeping over once and that was it.

Often my stepmom and her daughters would be busy doing sewing or kitchen things and I’d stand to the side a bit out of place. I’d try get involved but get brushed off. I’d then have my dad scolding me on the way home that day that I’m not doing the proper womanly duties. And the one thing that would always crop up? That I didn’t look smart enough. As I grew older and into my late teens, early twenties… I remember getting ready for a visit to my dad and being so stressed about what to wear and how I looked. I felt constantly scrutinized in front of him and her as well as her children. It’s as though I could NEVER do anything right. I dreaded going eventually, even though I so wanted to have a proper father/daughter relationship with my dad.

In 2001 my Dad had started divorce proceedings against my stepmom and he’d met someone else who moved in with him. She was lovely and would often tell me how much he spoke of me. This still to this day floors me as I never got that impression around him that he was “proud” of me. I always felt “not good enough”, “second best”, “not thin enough or not pretty enough”.

My Dad’s heart was weak and he went in for a triple by-pass in August of 2001, recovering well. One Saturday night in November he invited us over for a braai and I made and took a lovely salad. He had returned to work and I still remember scoulding him for working so hard. That night, for the first time he kept commenting on how proud he was of me and how I’ve grown into such a lovely woman. I’ll NEVER forget this. The Monday after this braai, he died. I lay on his bed next to his lifeless body, holding his hand and sobbing my heart out and repeating “I’m sorry Dad”.

I was sorry because I wasn’t there to say goodbye to him, and I was sorry because I felt as though I’d let him down as a daughter. By pouring all of these details out to L, processing it and seeing it all laid out before me, I could see things more clearly. I could see why I’ve always had a low self-esteem, why I’m always worried about how I’m dressed, why I often don’t feel good enough. These feelings, compounded with verbal and emotional abuse as married woman, really dented my self-esteem badly. Being told as a married woman that I’d never find someone else who’d want me, how I was a bad wife etc. all added up to me feeling so depressed and feel as though I was alone.

There are other factors too, that are added to why I’ve been depressed. The main one being my failed marriage… but looking back and dissecting was so helpful. I feel as though I can deal with these issues better. I can look inside myself and KNOW why I feel the way I do… instead of wondering why and beating myself up about it.

Hopefully I get a few more sessions with L. She really is amazing, listens, asks such good questions, offers up different perspectives of looking at things. I feel as though in a way she is showing me a few life skills. She’s not “fixing” what is damaging or broken. She’s giving me a few tips on how to look at why things aren’t going well, how to deal with and accept it as it is, and how to be okay with it.

A bonus is L is also a single mom of 2 little boys that are the same age as mine! How awesome is that? L has been a single mom for longer than me and I’m truly inspired by her. A quote that will stay with me is “I am the anchor for my boys”. 🙂

Damn these deceiving eyes of mine

… that keep producing this salty water that runs at random when I’m trying to keep it all together.

This isn’t an angry post. It has been edited quite a bit as it was initially a “snot-and-tears” post. I’m since feeling a heck of a lot better. 🙂

Please… for future reference to all men out there, take heed of the following:-

1. My kids and I come as a package, that’s it. No bargaining or whatever. That’s just it. You want to date me, you date all of me, and that includes my 2 little boys. KAPISH!

2. My kids are going to act up. They’re KIDS! They’re going to get rowdy, run around, get excited, get loud and animated. They’re also going to wrap their tiny little hands around your one finger to stay close to you, or sit on your lap for comfort when they’re feeling a bit anxious. That’s called love.

3. My kids are sometimes going to regurgitate their food. What goes in must come out somewhere! And if they’ve taken a mouthful of something they’re not enjoying, it’ll come out the top. Look away, let me clean it up and laugh it off. It’s NORMAL! You did it too, plenty.

4. Snot… it happens! ‘Nuff said.

5. At the end of a long day, if you’re tired and feel exhausted by these 2 little boys, relax and rest, they will too. And they’ll snuggle up to you and fall asleep, feeling so content and happy and being that much more closer to you. Don’t think that your efforts are wasted. Kids see everything and they’ll love you for giving them your time and attention.

6. My kids do take up a lot of my time when they’re with me. If you want to be with me, they’re going to be with me a lot of the time, so you have to think about whether you want to be in this wholly or not.

7. When my kids are around, my attention is going to be on them a lot of the time. Please don’t think that I’m ignoring you. I know you there and it’s eating me up inside that I can’t be snuggling up with you at that particular moment, but it’s just one of those things. My kids are little individuals who really need me at the moment, and come hell or high water I’m going to be there for them. Just remember that when they’re asleep, you’ll have me all to yourself… and then naughty Karin comes out to play. 😉

These are not rules or guidelines, this is just the reality and truth of my life. My kids ARE my life. I am an individual and I love me for who I am. Also, remember that I also have plenty extra love and attention to give and if you’re willing to go the distance to be with me, you’ll be showered with love and attention and will be allowed to let your inner kid come out to play, as often as you wish (even with me!). My kids come first, if you can accept that and live with it then just know that you’ll come a VERY close second. If not, I’m sorry, but please let me know sooner rather than later. My boys and I love easily and freely and I’d rather save them from as much hurt as I can.

I know this post might seem similiar to a friend’s dating post on her blog… I do draw a lot of inspiration from her (CJ) and she’s an amazing person. Mine is just centered more around my kids and how I’m feeling at the moment. I needed to get this out there. I’m tired of being used. No more. I draw the line here. ____________ (See? I drew the line).

A letter to an awesome super hero

Dear Batman,

My handsome, muscled Dark Knight! So many conversations, so much shared… I just shine the Batman sign to the night sky and you’re there.

Who could resist Batman? Definately not me. Swooning and drooling … that became the order of the day!

However, because you’re so far away in Gotham City, it makes things difficult for us. We discussed it at length and decided that star-crossed lovers wouldn’t work.

I need to say though that I miss your dark cape swishing through the night and the thought of those lips that would never kiss mine… and I’m sad. 😥

But I’m a strong gal and Batman has to do his Bat Things! And I have to do my … strong gal things.

I’m getting this out there so that you know exactly how I feel. However, I can’t extinguish that little flame of hope. It will be there for a long time still. Just look for it in my window.

Signed with love
Pepper Potts
(I know she’s from Iron Man, but I just love her name and her character)

Randomness

I’m dying to blog about something really meaningful and important… but I can’t seem to come up with anything at the moment. There are plenty meaningful and important things happening in my life on a daily basis, but some of them I don’t want to air on the www because I know who reads here and some things are best left private.

How private are you with your feelings and personal life? I’m very private… but if someone earns my trust then I open up totally. Having said that… I do trust rather easily, something I’m working on. 😉

I know a lot of people who are extremely private and don’t open up their feelings that easily, nor do they trust easily. I understand where they’re coming from and respect it and I often wish I could have a few of those traits, however I don’t. I’ve always been a sensitive, trusting, loving, honest and open person – traits that are bound to land a person in hot water, often!

I’ve learnt a lot though as the years have passed and with life experiences I have toughened up a lot! Not enough I know but perhaps in another 10 years time things will be different. I’m not sure I’d like to be much different because believe it or not I actually quite like who I am. lol ;-p And I like to think that’s a good thing!

I look at some people I know, and believe me I love them just the way they are, and they’re tough and strong and can handle alot of life’s punches SO easily, it seems… however I can’t imagine myself being like that. Is that a bad thing?

Am I being random again? I think random is my middle name. 😉

I wonder how much of this I’m passing on to my sons. I’m sure they’re picking up traits of mine, I just hope they have a lot more confidence than me. I wish this for them. They need this growing up because it’s a hard world out there and I don’t want them being bullied or walked over… things that I had to deal with. We only want the best for our children don’t we? I just hope that I get it right.

Thanks, as always, for reading my arb ramblings and nonsensical rubbish. Take care cupcakes! ❤

Mars Attacks!

As you know, I’m a 33 year old single mom of 2 little boys. I’ve been separated for almost a year now and my divorce is being processed.

A month ago a good male-friend of mine, C, commented to me that it must be hard for me to find a date because I’m a single mom. I swore blind that men aren’t that shallow and they don’t get put off by something like that, if they meet someone they really like then that doesn’t matter to them.

Well, I’ve been chatting to another male-friend, A, for a few weeks now. We get along really well and have great laughs. So he admitted to me on Sunday night that he would never date a single mom. His reason? Why should he have to take responsibility of “some lazy loser’s kids”. *BIG sigh* I didn’t realise that men felt this way… so I asked some more male-friends.

Male-friend, S, agrees with A, BUT male-friend J, doesn’t agree. He says it actually isn’t a big deal for him whether a woman has children or not. He did hesitate to answer though. lol! 😉 And lastly, my other male-friend, R, agreed with A, however he said that it would depend on the circumstances. R said that if he met a woman he really liked then he would love her and accept her children. He did mention that it was easier to form a relationship with younger children than with teenagers. Fair enough.

I processed this all in my circus/fairground brain last night… lying awake thinking how different this outlook is to mine. In my early 20’s I met a man who was divorced, with 2 kids. I fell in love with him and with his kids. There were difficult times, I won’t lie, but I pushed on because I loved him and if I loved him, then I’d learn to love his children too. Almost 11 years down the line, we got married, had 2 of our own children and are now getting divorced. I still love my stepchildren very much, we’re in contact often and my stepdaughter still calls me Mommy. I can’t look back at this and regret it, never ever will. And I’d do it again. I feel very blessed to have been such a big part of my stepchildren’s lives and I hope I always remain a part of their lives.

So I lay in bed last night, in the dark sweaty heat of this African summer, lol, and I felt a sting of sadness and hurt at hearing this… do all men feel this way? Does it not count that I’m a decent, fun-loving person? But because I’m a single mom I’m “no go territory”? I know I can’t generalise and think that all men surely feel the same way, but the majority of my male-friends said they do. So … what does that lead me to believe?

What if the roles were reversed? If you, a male, are divorced and have custody of your kids, but most women won’t date you because you’re a single dad. Not because you have a bad breath or you fart repeatedly on the first date or you have redneck tendencies… no, because you are a single dad.

I’d be really interested to hear more views/opinions on this. 🙂 Thanks for reading. 🙂 xxx

A glowing heart… sometimes heavy

We all have issues and people my age and older have a past. We can’t get away from it, it happened. We accept it as best we can and move on, look forward to the future with hope and possibility in our hearts. Well, I do in any case. Sometimes though, I feel that because I’ve had quite a hectic past that I get judged on this … as if people like who I am, but don’t want to have to deal with my “baggage”.

I don’t carry my “baggage” on my back for all to see. I’ve dealt with it and it’s filed away. I am honest though and am not scared to share my life experiences. And I certainly don’t expect anyone else to deal with it. My issues and problems are mine. Be there for me to share with and just talk, but I’d never expect my friends to have to carry my past for me.

I do feel very blessed that I have good friends and a supportive family who have helped me through a lot. Many times I was man-down emotionally and I’ve come through this really well I believe. Which is why I say, we all have a past and a heavy heart to carry at times, but it doesn’t mean that the heavy part of our heart has clouded over the majority of the glowing part of our heart. The glow will prevail! Just give it a chance. 😉

And believe. I believe and I give everyone I meet and know a fair chance. Even if they’ve had chances before. I forgive, even though I don’t forget, because I have a soft heart. Soft and squishy like marshmallow, and just as much fun! ❤